In the autumn and winter months following my husband’s death on 9/11, my strength came from the architects and designers with whom I’d been associated for several years. I was at the time public relations director of a large architecture and interior design firm in New York. I loved the job. Working with architects and designers taught me to visualize; I, in turn, helped them express the intent and the context of their projects through words. It was a good match.
So when I had the opportunity to work with architects, designers, planners and a variety of civic activists, I jumped at the chance. I’d seen the devastation first-hand; stood by the crumbling steps that were all that remained of the World Financial Center; gazed upon the sculptured ruins of my husband’s building glowing gold and grey in the filtered sunlight. I’d seen the hell that had crushed my open-minded, optimistic mate and sent his ashes to the four winds. Now I wanted to be a part of a new and better vision, one that would embrace memory, yes, but also vision. Where before there were ungainly monuments to finance, there might be a university or an educational facility, perhaps some sort of journalistic enterprise, a cultural center, even a museum of tolerance and understanding—because to understand was not to accept terrorism but to seek its opposite. All of this might be encased in a beautifully landscaped environment with buildings of inspired architecture. The signage—I was a big fan of signage—would be how we would tell people that they were entering “sacred” ground; made so not by the deaths at the site but by the lives that would be remembered.
Throughout the fall of 2001, even as I worked as a families’ representative in my home state of New Jersey, I stayed part-time in the city to facilitate a series of public meetings where devastated New Yorkers talked about their dreams of an inspiring skyline. In December I huddled in unheated raw space at the South Street Seaport adjacent to ground zero with members of the Regional Plan Association to come up with ideas that would be complimentary to those suggested by Mayor Bloomberg. No, I didn’t live in New York City (although I worked there), but I felt passionately that the best possible direction for us to move forward, to prove we as Americans were not about to give in to the hatred that perpetrated the act, nor the grief it sought to instill, was to make the place where my husband died something truly special.
Nine years later, I’m not simply disappointed, but wounded. Some of it is thoroughly selfish, I admit. The hopes and dreams of organizations like “Renew New York” and projects like “Imagine New York” were mine too. To look now at the blandly functional commercial buildings finally rising at the site is to feel a pang for the days when so many of the deeply wounded, not just family members, thought to create a living, visual and visible symbol of resilience.
But what is worse is the pitiful symbolism ground zero evokes—death over life, prejudice over tolerance, grief over hope, and a backwards, stuck-in-place mentality that tramples the visions of a better future some of us once had. The air of controversy surrounding ground zero is as toxic as anything I ever breathed that long-ago September.
I am laid low about this time, every year since 2001; it’s hard to shake memories of the shock and confusion played out in such a public setting. But I had been feeling better, truly. At heart, I am a forward-looking person, or at least someone learning to live in the moment.
It’s going to be much harder this year. I hate what 9/11 represents, not just the loss of my husband but the loss of our better selves. This is not how I want my husband remembered. And this is not my ground zero.
Excellent,as always. Accurate as a surgeon’s scalpel. Because I live on the left side of the country, I can only watch in frustration as the issue of what to build and where to build it is manipulated by well-organized, and well-spoken bigots. I can only hope they read your blog and think before they pick up another petition.
Nikki,
Fabulous, more so than usual. And congratulations on the new book.
Blessings,
Mike Bone
Thanks, Nikki.
– Isaac (worked with Jim)
my pleasure
Hello, Nikki.
I was moved by your observation here, only discovered today. I link to this posting on my blog:
http://davidfriend.net/2010/09/9_years.php
thanks much
Nikki, just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you today and your words of feeling wounded. Wounded sums up so well how I feel about the displays of hate that are marking this September 11th, particularly those in Florida and New York, but also by the climate in which Muslim-Americans fear to celebrate their holy holiday today while non-Muslim Americans have no second thoughts about scheduling parties, street festivals, football games, and the like.
I had hoped that the closer we got to 10th anniversary the more we would realize that hate only begets hate but that is a lesson we still haven’t full absorbed.
This reminds me yet again, how prescient you have been with your work to Renew New York, for Hope not Hate, and to demand that today be a day of service. Thanks to people like you we will get there.
Thank you, Nikki for your strength. Even when you don’t feel it, we do.
I just viewed your segment on the NY Mosque on CBS News. While I am sorry about the loss of your husband, I have to say I disagree with everything you said on there. Sure, everyone here in America seems to be fighting for different causes, some silly and some not. I find that the Mosque would be an insult to ALL who lost their lives on 9/11 and all who were affected. While, this is America and it’s all about Freedom here, I do have a problem with a Religion that teaches it’s “congregation” to dominate and kill.
American’s who know nothing of this religion, are defending with the ultimate Freedom of Religion speech. “Just as long as it promotes peace between the US and them”, “It’s a religion of Peace.” Their Religion is anything BUT Peace. Further proof of what their religion intels can be found on Youtube’s Acts17Apologetics many uploads.
While you can say that the objections of this horrid idea by American’s is based upon fear, I know mine is not. If I were to go to their country and even speak of my religion to another, I would be killed right there. People of this “so-called” Religion have taken our loved ones, held them hostage, and beheaded them, because that is what their religion teaches.
Their “Prophet” Muhammad, was an Awesome Man! Have you heard? He had sexual relations with his 9 year old daughter, constantly. Muhammad led 27 military campaigns against innocent villages & planned 38 others. “I am the prophet that laughs when killing my enemies.” – Words from their wonderful, peaceful prophet. Christians & Jewish martyrs say; “I will die for what I believe”. A Muslim martyr says; “You will die for what I believe.”
So again… would you really want any kind of building erected that teaches these ways? Especially, at the SITE they DOMINATED and the site where they killed innocent people because their Allah, their Muhammad, their Fearless Leader told them to?
It’s not about Fear. It’s not about Tolerancy.
It’s about Facts. Facts that are right infront of your face.
It’s about Truth. Truth. Truth.
Thanks for sending in your comment. Let me note first of all that neither my CBS Sunday morning commentary nor this post are about religion. People who claim to know the truth about religion–theirs or anyone else’s–are usually not interested in discussion. They think they already know absolutely everything. I might point out there’s no mosque planned for the site and the community center hidden from view is very different. I might tell them that not all 9/11 family members think a multi-cultural center is a bad idea and that no non-family member should EVER try to speak for all of us. I could remind them that no religion has a clean history when it comes to slaying others (the Crusades come to mind) but I don’t want to get started on religion. I might also suggest that some people tend to ignore the facts they don’t like and grab the ones they do to put together their arguments; but that doesn’t make their arguments either reasonable or right.
I will say that the United States was NOT defeated at ground zero and to suggest that is, well, unpatriotic. It suggests that we live in a country that isn’t strong enough to withstand any one attack or ideology or hate-filled movement. Fortunately, history proves otherwise.
Nikki, Fabulous, more so than usual. And congratulations on the new book. Blessings, Mike Bone